> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
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[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
bout dat hot dog summer
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.