– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
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cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart