I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
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Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan