ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
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Why soy sad?
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now