Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
You Might Also Like
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”