1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
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Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Support your local cemetery
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it