[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
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[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
We like the way Dwight thinks
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.