For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
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If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
My patience has stretch marks.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.