Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
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Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
yeah no that’s fair
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.