“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
You Might Also Like
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
What even happened today?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.