You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
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[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one