I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
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I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Yes my dude
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*