american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
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[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
brian had himself a morning…
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.