What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
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At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
RT if you know someone like this!!!
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Tony Hawk, age 6