Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
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KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
new wife guy just dropped
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Thursday Thought.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)