I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
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no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked