Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
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Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I never know how much to tip a cow.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.