My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
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I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
How funny!
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Schrödinger’s cookie
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over