[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
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[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”