The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
You Might Also Like
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”