Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
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HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Seems a bit forward
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.