A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
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I’m pretty like a car crash.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.