“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
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Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Awesome parenting 😂
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.