*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
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I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
im 7 sauces long
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.