FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
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Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.