Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
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ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Perfection.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.