A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
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when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
This week’s mood.