Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
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A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.