Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
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Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?