[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
#Caturday
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective