If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
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-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes