My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
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Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*