aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
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Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
be careful
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Breaking news:
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”