Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
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9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good