10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
You Might Also Like
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
c’mon!
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”