The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
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[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
There are usually two types of merchants.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.