Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
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Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
*has no idea what a book even is*
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998