I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
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My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Inside you there are two wolves
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site