Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
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Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Godspeed, John Glenn
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.