Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
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I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight