You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
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Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
“you changed” bro i was 15
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
adding to the discourse
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
scared to check what name she chose
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.