boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
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Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.