How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
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Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before