“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
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boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up