Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
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Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.