I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
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[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
#titanic
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.