I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
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Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much