New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
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She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
How do you like your Corgi?
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.