*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
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when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
the saddest jazz hands ever
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*