everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
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cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.